ATTENTION:  Safety alert: Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are in danger, please use a computer in a safe location, call A Woman's Place at: 1-866-356-4226, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. If you are at a safe computer, click on “Computer/Internet Safety” to learn more.

Teens Only

Teen Dating Abuse

Dating Abuse is…

Any action, behavior, words, etc that are used by one person in a relationship to dominate and control the other person. Dating violence can affect all types of people, regardless of race, culture, socioeconomic status, education level, or sexual orientation.

Dating abuse and violence can come in many forms. Typically, most types of abuse can fit in one of the following categories:

Physical

This type of abuse may be more obvious, and involves physical violence such as hitting, kicking, shoving, biting, strangling, making threats to hurt ones partner or themselves, using intimidation such as certain looks, damaging property (punching walls or lockers, breaking objects), hurting pets.

Sexual

This type of abuse is any unwanted sexual contact or comments. This also includes not being honest with sexual history in regards to health, and not allowing the use of or discussion of birth control or protection from sexually transmitted infections. It may include forced or unwanted sex or sexual acts, making sexual comments that degrade their partner, or forcing sexual contact with friends.

Emotional/ Psychological

Emotional abuse can include many things- name calling, telling someone they are stupid or that the things they do or believe aren’t worth while. It can also include telling someone how to dress or who they can talk to, or even making some one stop talking to friends/ family or stop participating in an activity that makes them happy. It can also be putting someone down in the presence of others and humiliating someone in public.

 

Safe Dating Tips

Set your limits from the beginning. Don’t let anyone violate your space.

Discuss your desires and limits. Don’t assume your date feels the same way you do!

Always trust your instincts: If a situation feels uncomfortable or unsafe, it probably is!

Do not put yourself in a vulnerable situation. Be aware of your surroundings.

Never leave your drink unattended or accept drinks from anyone else.

First date?  Never go alone. Make it a group date or a couples date.

Get together in public places.

You have the right to say “No” to any situation.

Try to stay away from alcohol or drugs. They dull you!

Do not be embarrassed to make a scene. Safety always comes first.

If you have a cell phone or are at someone’s house, make arrangements with a friend to call you midway through the date to check up.

Practice internet safety

Always let someone know where you are going to be and when you plan to be back.

 

Is my Relationship Healthy?

Do you and your current partner…

Have fun together most of the time

Enjoy spending time separately with your friends as well as together with each other’s friends?

Always feel safe with each other

Trust each other

Faithful to each other, if you have made this commitment

Support each others goals, like educational, career, or other activities

Respect each others opinions, even if they’re different

Solve conflicts without putting each other down or making threats

Both accept responsibility for your actions

Both apologize when you are wrong

Have equal decision making power about what you do in your relationship

Are proud to be with each other

Encourage each others interests like sports or leisure activities

Have privacy- your letters, phone calls, diaries are respected as your own

Have close friends and family who like your partner and are happy about the relationship

Never feel like you’re being pressured for sex

Communicate about sex if your relationship is sexual

Allow each other space when you need it

Always treat each other with respect

 

Is My Relationship Unhealthy?

Does one of you…

Get extremely jealous or accuse the other of cheating

Put the other down by name calling, cursing, or making them feel bad about themselves

Yell at and threaten the other, treat the other like a child

Not take the other person or things that are important to him/her seriously

Not listen when the other talks

Frequently criticize the other’s friends/family

Pressure the other for sex or make sex hurt or feel humiliating

Ever threatened to hurt the other or commit suicide if they leave

Cheat or threaten to cheat

Tell the other how to dress

Ever grabbed, pushed, hit, or physically hurt the other

Blame the other for your own behavior (if you hadn’t made me mad, I wouldn’t have…)

Embarrass or humiliate the other

Smash, throw, or destroy things

Try to keep the other from having a job or furthering education

Make all of the decisions about what the two of you do

Try to make the other feel crazy or play mind games

Go back on promises

Act controlling or possessive-like you own your partner

Use alcohol or drugs as an excuse for hurtful behavior or force you to use alcohol or drugs

Ignore or withhold affection as a way of punishing the other

Depend completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs

This list is a way of identifying some of the healthy and unhealthy characteristics of your relationship. It may be useful to share this with someone you trust.

 

Warning Signs

Quick Involvement/ Moves too Fast

Most abusive relationships begin quickly and become very intense. This results in a deep involvement that makes it difficult to leave. Abusive individuals may want commitment fast, such as moving in together quickly, or becoming engaged or married.

Extreme Jealousy or Possessiveness

This can often be interpreted in the beginning as someone really caring or jealousy as a sign of love. This is not true- it has nothing to do with love. Jealousy and possessiveness is a sign of wanting to control another in a relationship, and demonstrates a lack of trust. Other signs of this may be controlling who or when you can talk to others or accusing one’s partner of flirting. This can escalate into checking up on their partner by actions such as following or  checking mileage.

Controlling Behavior

Controlling behavior may be disguised in the beginning as concern for their partner’s safety or needs. For example “You should wear longer shorts/ skirts- I know you don’t like that attention from other men.” An abusive person may get angry if their partner is late getting back from the store and may begin to question where they were and who they talked to. Controlling behavior may even be making decisions about what clothing their partner can wear and what places and people they can visit.

Unrealistic Expectations

Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs and be perfect.  Example: “If you love me, then I’m all you need and you’re all I need.”

Isolation

The abusive partner may cut their partner off from other resource and forms of social support. Isolation may be by physically moving their partner away from support systems, taking away the use of a phone or vehicle, or damaging their partners outside relationships.

Blames Others for Problems

The abusive person may always have an excuse or someone else to blame. It’s their bosses fault because he/she didn’t get a raise, or they may blame substance use for the trouble they have gotten into, or their partner for upsetting him/ her or making things more difficult. This is a sign of not accepting responsibility for actions. They begin to blame their partner, and with time, their partner may begin to believe that it is her/ his fault.

Self-Centered

An abusive person may only seem to care about their own needs and may not care about what their partner thinks or feels about things. They may make all of the decisions from what to do on a date to how to spend all of the family money. They do not value the opinion of their partner and do not see them as equals.

Cruelty to Animals or Children

Domestically violent individuals are often willing to use physical violence directed at animals and children. The violence may center on unrealistic expectations or the child or pets inability to please.

 

Please call us for assistance with making a Safety Plan.

970-356-4226 or 1-866-356-4226 Toll Free

 

 

Teen Dating Violence Myths and Facts

 

Myth: Victims ask for it.

Fact: Victims don’t have control over the abuser. Abusers believe the have the right to use abuse to control their partners.

 

Myth: If a person stays in an abusive relationship, it must not be that bad.

Fact: People might stay in an abusive relationship because of fear, economic dependence, loss of self confidence, belief that the abuser will change or not recognizing the abusive relationship.

Teen dating violence is not really that serious.

Fact: 1 in 3 women who are murdered in this country are murdered by their husband or boyfriend (this same high percentage applies to women aged 15-19). 60% of all rapes reported to rape crisis centers are committed by acquaintances.

 

Myth: Men cannot be victims of teen dating violence.

Fact: The US Bureau of Justice statistics report that 5% of assaults in relationships are committed by females.

 

Myth: Jealousy and possessiveness are signs of true love.

Fact: Jealousy and possessiveness are signs that the person sees you as a possession.  It is the most common early warning sign of abuse.

 

Myth: It can’t happen to me.

Fact: 1 in 3 teens will experience teen dating violence.  1 in 10 teens will experience physical violence in their dating relationships.

 

Myth: Alcohol causes abuse.

Fact: Many abusers who batter do not drink heavily and many alcoholics do not beat their partners.  Some abusers do beat their partners while they are drunk, but the alcohol acts as their excuse—it is not the cause.

 

Myth: Most batterers are crazy people.

Fact: Batterers are found in all classes and all types of people—rich, poor, professional, unemployed, black, white, Hispanic, urban or rural.

A Woman’s Place

Providing Resources and Shelter to Domestic Violence Survivors in Weld County, Colorado

CRISIS LINE 970-356-4226 or 1-866-356-4226

MISSION STATEMENT: The mission of A Woman’s Place is to shelter and help empower victims/survivors of domestic abuse to become safe, secure and self-reliant; and through education and collaboration, to mobilize our community to help prevent domestic violence.

The information provided on this website is intended to provide support and general information.  It is not intended as professional counseling, therapy and/or legal advice.  While the information is deemed reliable, it is not guaranteed.