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Early Warning Signs Your Partner May be Abusive

 

· Extreme jealousy

· Controlling behavior

· Quick Involvement

· Unpredictable mood swings

· Explosive anger

· Alcohol and drug use

· Isolates partner from friends or family

· Uses force during an argument

· Hypersensitivity

· Believes in rigid gender roles

· Blames others for his/her own problems or feelings

· Cruel to animals or children

· Verbally puts down or demeans his/her partner

· Threatens to use violence against partner or others or condones other’s violence

· Calls partner names or uses put downs in front of other people

 

Warning Signs Indicating Someone May Be Experiencing Abuse

 

· May apologize for her/his partner’s behavior and makes excuses on partner’s behalf

· Frequently cancels plans at the last minute for reasons that sound untrue

· Partner is always checking up on her/him, calling or texting and demanding to know where she/he has been and whom she/he has been with

· You’ve witnessed the partner loose his/her temper, maybe even break or hit things, when mad

· Seems worried about upsetting or making the partner angry

· Giving up things that used to be important – time with friends, extracurricular activities

· Someone may begin to miss a lot of work or school or drop out or quit

· Weight, appearance, personality or grades have changed dramatically

· Injuries that can’t be explained or the explanations given don’t make sense

· May begin using drugs or alcohol

 

How to Help a Friend, Family Member or Co-worker

 

Here are some ways to help if you have a friend in an abusive relationship.

 

· Talk to your friend about the different types of abuse (click on Domestic Violence).  Abuse can be more than getting slapped or pushed.  It can also be emotional, verbal, physical and sexual.  Tell your friend that abuse happens and hurts more over time and that it will not just stop.

· Tell your friend the abuse is not her/his fault.  The abusive person is the only person with any control over his/her behavior.

· Let your friend know you are concerned.  Let her/him know you are worried about your friend’s safety and you are there no matter what.  Tell your friend you are glad she/he confided in you.

· Be accepting.  There are both good and bad time in your friend’s relationship.  Don’t become upset if your friend is not ready to end the relationship or if she/he goes back to the abusive person.  Don’t tell your friend she/he is wrong or making a bad decision.  Be there no matter what the decision.

· Reach out to another adult for help.  Encourage your friend to talk to someone about the abuse.  Some suggestions might be a counselor, clergy member or domestic violence or sexual assault program.  Please give your friend our number 970-356-4226 or 1-866-356-4226.  Offer to go with her/him or be there when the first phone call is made.

· Safety Plan.  Help your friend consider how to stay safe (click on Safety Plan).  You may want to think of a code word to use when your friend is in trouble.  Help your friend to consider safe places to be and important phone numbers and people in case there is an emergency.

· Listen.  No matter what, keep supporting your friend, even if you begin to feel like you are not being listened to.  Avoid placing any blame on your friend for the abuse.  Listen without offering advice.

· Provide your friend with resources.  Talk with and provide your friend with information about dating abuse.  Books, pamphlets, brochures, web pages and any other media about dating abuse are all good sources.  Give your friend numbers to local or national crisis lines and local courts for information on protection orders.

· Don’t bad mouth your friend or the abuser.  Saying bad things about your friend will only drive her/him away.  Saying bad things about the abuser will only make your friend feel worse for being involved in a relationship with that person.

 

Are You an Immigrant?

 

We do not ask about immigration status when someone seeks assistance.  We also have a language line which can assist us in speaking in over 150 languages. 

      

Documenting Abuse

 

· Keep a journal of all violent and abusive incidents, noting dates, events, threats made protection order violations, etc. It may be important to think about where you can hide this document. Is there a safe place at your residence that your partner would not find it? Or maybe at a trusted friend, family member or coworker.

 

· Save threatening messages, e-mails, instant messages, text messages, letters, pictures, etc.

· Filing police reports about the abuse, whether your partner/ stalker is charged or not, also creates documentation of the abuse you are experiencing.

· Other useful things that can document abuse are protection orders (both criminal and civil), medical records for treatment sought due to abuse, pictures of physical injuries, and anything else that demonstrates threats, abuse, violence, etc.

 

Ways the Abuser manipulates:

 

· Abusers lie about abuse-they will try to hide it. They will lie more convincingly than the victim will tell the truth. Don’t be fooled!

· Often a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality.

· Blames the victim or plays the victim (ex: “If only you wouldn’t have said that, then I wouldn’t have to yell at you/ hit you/ call you that name, etc.”)- this means they aren’t willing to take responsibility of their actions.

· They can control their behavior, but will try to convince you otherwise (ex: I just snapped)

 

10 Helpful Things to do to help Someone in an Abusive Relationship:

· Open a dialogue. If the victim has not confided, ask “Are you ever afraid of X’s temper?” This is a nonjudgmental, less frightening way to get at what is going on.

· Express your concern.

· Appreciate the danger and talk about how the victim stays safe.

· Commit to unconditional support. Be there no matter what-even if the victim leaves and goes back several times. Leaving is scary and may take practice.

· Listen. Don’t desire to fix the situation and don’t give resolutions. Only the victim knows her best course of action.

· Tell the victim the abuse is not her fault.

· Compliment the victim. Be genuine in what you say. “It’s nice to see you smile.”

· Make nonjudgmental observations. “You used to laugh a lot.”

· Offer help and set clear boundaries. Let the victim know precisely what kind of help you can offer and what the limits of that are. Only offer what you can do!

· Ask questions about her feelings-this lets the person know you care bout their emotional wellbeing.

 

5 Things Not to do or Say:

· Just Leave

· Give an ultimatum

· Badmouth the batterer

· Disbelieve, interrogate, or look for proof

· Give advice

 

 

Please take all threats or signs of escalation seriously and don’t believe the abusers excuses!

Provide information and resources that may help the victim.

Identify safe places to keep making contact with your loved one.

Don’t allow her to believe that no one cares about her!

 

Denial in the Cycle of Violence

 

Denial is present in each stage of the cycle and is a necessary part of the relationship to keep the cycle going. The cycle becomes more intense and dangerous as it escalates with time.

 

Tension Building

 

Domestically Violent Partner:

· Denies by blaming the tension on their partner

· Blames the tension on traffic, bad day at work, argument with family, etc.

· May deny responsibility by getting drunk or using drugs.

 

Victimized Partner:             

· Denies it is happening

· Excuses it as some outside stress (work, etc.)

· Denies the abuse will get worse

 

Explosion

 

Domestically Violent Partner:

· Denies by blaming the incident on their partner

· Denies by blaming the incident on stress

· Denies committing the abusive acts

 

Victimized Partner:             

· Denies or minimizes injuries (ex: “ I bruise easily.”)

· Denies a need for medical or police intervention

· Blames abuse on alcohol or drugs

· Denies sexual abuse/ rape because it was committed by a partner.

 

Calm

 

Domestically Violent Partner:

· Denies by claiming/ believing that it will stay as is.

 

Victimized Partner:

· Denies by minimizing injuries

· Denies by believing it will stay this way

· Believes the partners promises

 

Considerations:

 

Timing between each violent or abusive episode may vary from days, weeks, months, or even years.

Often times the Calm/ Loving Stage begins to disappear with time and is not experienced at all.

The Cycle of Violence does not take into account that controlling behavior may be occurring all the time.

 

Adapted from Teaching to Transcend: Educating Women Against Violence.  Cheryl L. Satter, State University of New York Press, Albany, 2002.

 

Ways the Abuser manipulates:

 

Abusers lie about abuse-they will try to hide it.

 

Often a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality.

 

Blames the victim or plays the victim

 

They can control their behavior, but will try to convince you otherwise

 

For More Information, click on Need Help?

A Woman’s Place

Providing Resources and Shelter to Domestic Violence Survivors in Weld County, Colorado

CRISIS LINE 970-356-4226 or 1-866-356-4226

MISSION STATEMENT: The mission of A Woman’s Place is to shelter and help empower victims/survivors of domestic abuse to become safe, secure and self-reliant; and through education and collaboration, to mobilize our community to help prevent domestic violence.

The information provided on this website is intended to provide support and general information.  It is not intended as professional counseling, therapy and/or legal advice.  While the information is deemed reliable, it is not guaranteed.