Friends & Family

How to Help a Friend, Family Member or Co-worker
Here are some ways to help if you know someone in an abusive relationship.

• Talk to your friend about the different types of abuse. Abuse can be more than getting slapped or pushed. It can also be emotional, verbal, physical and sexual. Tell your friend that abuse happens and hurts more over time and that it will not just stop.
• Tell your friend the abuse is not her/his fault. The abusive person is the only person with any control over his/her behavior.
• Let your friend know you are concerned. Let her/him know you are worried about your friend’s safety and you are there no matter what. Tell your friend you are glad she/he confided in you.
• Be accepting. There are both good and bad time in your friend’s relationship.
• Don’t become upset if your friend is not ready to end the relationship or if she/he goes back to the abusive person. Don’t tell your friend she/he is wrong or making a bad decision. Be there no matter what the decision.
• Reach out to another adult for help. Encourage your friend to talk to someone about the abuse. Some suggestions might be a counselor, clergy member or domestic violence or sexual assault program. Please give your friend our number (970)356-4226 or (866)356-4226. Offer to go with her/him or be there when the first phone call is made.
• Safety Plan. Help your friend consider how to stay safe.
• You may want to think of a code word to use when your friend is in trouble. Help your friend to consider safe places to be and important phone numbers and people in case there is an emergency.
• Listen. No matter what, keep supporting your friend, even if you begin to feel like you are not being listened to. Avoid placing any blame on your friend for the abuse. Listen without offering advice.
• Provide your friend with resources. Talk with and provide your friend with information about dating abuse. Books, pamphlets, brochures, web pages and any other media about dating abuse are all good sources. Give your friend numbers to local or national crisis lines and local courts for information on protection orders.
• Don’t bad mouth your friend or the abuser. Saying bad things about your friend will only drive her/him away. Saying bad things about the abuser will only make your friend feel worse for being involved in a relationship with that person.

Ways the Abuser manipulates:

Abusers lie about abuse-they will try to hide it. They will lie more convincingly than the victim will tell the truth. Don’t be fooled!

Often a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality.

Blames the victim or plays the victim (ex: “If only you wouldn’t have said that, then I wouldn’t have to yell at you/ hit you/ call you that name, etc.”)- this means they aren’t willing to take responsibility of their actions.

They can control their behavior, but will try to convince you otherwise (ex: I just snapped)

10 Helpful Things to do to help Someone in an Abusive Relationship:

1. Open a dialogue. If the victim has not confided, ask “Are you ever afraid of X’s temper?” This is a nonjudgmental, less frightening way to get at what is going on.
2. Express your concern.
3. Appreciate the danger and talk about how the victim stays safe.
4. Commit to unconditional support. Be there no matter what-even if the victim leaves and goes back several times. Leaving is scary and may take practice. Always commit to support that's within your means, and that you can commit to giving time and time again if necessary.
5. Listen. Don’t desire to fix the situation and don’t give resolutions. Only the victim knows their best course of action.
6. Tell the victim the abuse is not her fault.
7. Compliment the victim. Be genuine in what you say. “It’s nice to see you smile.”
8. Make nonjudgmental observations. “You used to laugh a lot.”
9. Offer help and set clear boundaries. Let the victim know precisely what kind of help you can offer and what the limits of that are. Only offer what you can do!
10. Ask questions about their feelings-this lets the person know you care about their emotional wellbeing.

5 Things Not to do or Say:

1. Wait for them to come to you
2. Judge or blame, disbelieve, interrogate, or look for proof
3. Pressure them
4. Place conditions on your support
5. Give advice

Please take all threats or signs of escalation seriously and don’t believe the abusers excuses!

Provide information and resources that may help the victim.

Identify safe places to keep making contact with your loved one.

Don’t allow them to believe that no one cares!